One Soul's Experience
I have been having a really hard time with life lately. I've been so moody that I can hardly stand myself. I have placed the blame for this on two things. One, I stopped eating beef, chicken and pork on January 1st but I haven't changed my diet except for the exclusion. I am smart enough to know that I will suffer physically, mentally and Spiritually if I don't work harder on a balanced diet. I am also lazy enough not to do it. The second piece of blame has gone to my job. I have been in a high stress long hour career for twenty years.
Annie and I went to Agape for the Easter vigil this past Saturday Evening. We arrived about an hour early and Suzanne suggested that we go check out the Hermitage. We have been going to Agape for years but have never been to the Hermitage so we took the walk up the hill. Wow! The second you walk into the one room cottage with prayer loft you know that its sole purpose is and has been prayer. Annie said, "Maybe you should spend your day off Monday here. (I think she noticed a little moodiness too.)
I arrived Monday morning in time for morning prayers after which Brayton walked up with me to help me get acquainted with the place. Almost immediately after he left an old hymn popped into my head.
Seek ye first the Kingdom of God And God's righteousness
Then these things will be granted unto you
Alleluia, Alleluia.
I have no idea when the last time I sang that song was. It may have been last week or it may have been last year, but there it was, " A nice tune for the occasion," I thought. I sat down and said the novena prayers to remind Jesus and St. Jude why I was there. "I need some answers guys."
Seek ye first…
I went up to the prayer loft where the Holy Spirit met me with God's peace. (I sincerely recommended spending time in the Hermitage if for that experience alone.) I read from the Bible for a while.
Seek ye first… I said the Rosary.
Seek ye first… I took a nap.
Seek ye first…I woke from my nap needing a walk.
I brought along a book of daily thoughts by Mother Teresa. I would walk a ways, open the book, read a page and ponder that page while walking some more. The problem is that the second I closed the book, back into my head came, Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and God's righteousness. Then these things will be handed unto you Alleluia, Alleluia. After the second or third time I just closed the book and started singing. That's when "the brick" hit me.
All my life I have been taught and have taught to hand my life over to God. Here I've been spending all my energy hating life and stressing about how to change it and telling God and St. Jude how to change it. What I haven't done is just say, "Here." You can't run your own life and seek the Kingdom of God at the same time. The experience was very enlightening, but I wasn't done.Later, I was back at the Hermitage alternately reading and wandering. I was led to some helpful wandering. For some time now I have looked at my past mistakes in life with some disgust. I have seen myself as a twig in a stream just going wherever the stream takes me. Now, as I sat in the chair, this image came to me once again. This time, however, the image didn't stop there. This time I realized that the problem was not being a twig in a stream. That would be fine if the stream was Jesus. The problem is that the stream is not Jesus the stream is the world. Then it came to me that, now that I am unhappy with where this worldly stream had taken me, I was trying to swim upstream to fix it. I realized that I need not and cannot fix things by swimming upstream. What I need to do; all I need to do is switch streams.
Tuesday morning came and I awoke in time to join David, Suzanne and Brayton for morning prayers. My thoughts were to go back up the Hermitage, clean up some and head home. When I got back up the hill, however, I knew I wasn't ready to leave yet. So, I finished a small book of St Teresa of Avila and went back up to the prayer loft. I read some Bible and said the Rosary. In the past, when meditating on The Agony In The Garden, I have centered my thoughts on the pain of Jesus knowing he was waiting to be crucified and his friends not even able to stay awake. This time my thoughts went to the Love of Jesus. Here he was in agony about what was about to happen and knowing that not only was His dear friend asleep next to Him but that this friend would deny even knowing Him in just a few hours. Yet His love for Peter remained stronger then we will ever understand in this lifetime. Through all my blunders in thought and deed His love for me remains intense.
The whole experience has been a prayer answered. Thank you Agape. Thank you St. Jude. Thank you Jesus.
~Peter Wuelfing